Nothing But Moping

Fast few days indeed. On my way to Matt's house this morning I hit an icy patch on route 17 west, lost control of the car, wound up going into the right-side embankment, tore up the passenger side and both fenders/bumpers hitting and bouncing off both front and back corners on rocks, bent the right rear axle in almost 45 degrees and wrecked the entire wheel, I must have done all the wrong things even though I knew not to hit the breaks or freak out, but I couldn't help it, and I overcompensated to the left, did a 180 and slid sideways across all lanes of 17 and down the grass median facing eastbound.

Somehow I managed not to hit my head on anything or even hurt my neck... my seatbelt was on and I wasn't going that fast, the airbags did not deploy, and when the car finally stopped sliding through the muddy median and after I got off the phone with 911, I walked out without a scratch on me. The car, on the other hand, might have to get scrapped. Depends on what the insurance says versus the bluebook value blah blah blah. I mean, the engine is still good... and the transmission, though parts of the exhaust are all beat up now and I wrecked the suspension... and the body's torn to shit... but it's my little Civic! So sad...

But again, it's just a car. The outcome could have been much worse. All in all, I'd say someone was looking out for me today because about 500 feet further west was a really steep part where there was a terrible hill with about a 40 foot drop to the highway going eastbound. If I'd lost control just a touch further than where I'd been, I would have bounced off the embankment, gone right through the divider railing thing, rolled the car over down the hill and have been killed, possibly crashing into and/or killing the people in the opposing direction. Phew. I really was one lucky lady.

When the trooper came, he asked if I was ok, told me he'd have to fill out an accident report and then asked me for my license, registration and insurance card. Then he asked if I was afraid of dogs, and when I answered no, he invited me to wait in his warm trooper car. When I got in I was faced with the fiercest looking police dog I've ever seen. He was huge and he had monstrous looking fangs! But as soon as I sat down, he gave me slobbery dog kisses all over my face and clearly considered me to be a friend (the dog, not the trooper). Phew again! I love dogs but normally don't like them licking my face, but something about all the upset and my adrenaline and shaken self and all of my tears made me realize that a little loving kindness (if even from a fierce-looking-but-infinitely-cuddly cop dog) was just what I needed to help calm down.

So the officer did his paperwork, I got the rest of my crap out of the car, the tow guy came to haul it away on a flat-bed truck, and I got a lift to a nearby diner where I waited for four hours for my parents to come and get me at a roadside diner. One waitress there took pity on me and gave me lots of hot coffee and wouldn't take any money for it, and then gave me a lift to another diner when the one I was in was closing and my parents still had another hour left on their trip. Her name was Michelle and she was a very kind soul (thanks, Michelle!).

Hours and hours later my parents arrived to get their sad daughter. It normally wouldn't have taken that long... it was only 102 miles away from my house, but right after I crashed, the weather got worse and the roads up there weren't being plowed... so the three of us got into my dad's car, drove to the tow station to talk with Fred the tow guy, got some more crap out of my car, and then started on home, which took another good couple of hours.

And here I am now, alive but sad. I mean, what happened today was noone's fault, but I still feel a little weird and guilty, and incredibly sorry for myself. Matt almost came to pick me up when I called him, saying that he'd fly me home at the end of the weekend, but my parents freaked out and said they wanted me home... so here I am doing nothing but pacing my house, crying and moping when all I wanted to do was to be upstate with the guys.

Sigh. Why can't my life ever be simple?

Fast Couple Of Days

Oh man, my life seems to be so crazy!! I always feel like I'm rushing through the week and that I'm flying from one task or activity right into the next without so much as a breath of air to rest in between!

I forgot to mention in my last post that Susan came to visit last week. She stayed a day and a half and we had a blast... I mean, mostly we just ate a lot (at one point we even ate with Rayme), and come on, since when is eating not fun-- especially when it's with some of your best friends?! Just kidding!! The rest of the visit was a ton of laughs, too :).

So then Susan left to go back to Long Island, I worked through Christmas three days in a row, and then the morning after my third day a car service came to pick me up at 3:45am to bring me to my 6am flight. Phew was I exhausted! Florida was wonderful... those three days felt like two full weeks and coming home I felt relaxed as ever. Granted it's December, but I honestly was expecting the south to feel a touch warmer... but hey, 60* and sunny beats New York cold and drab any day for a quick getaway in my book...

I returned to New York and to my house at 1am on Thursday morning, and then went to work Thursday and today, and now tomorrow I've got plans to go upstate for New Year's with Matt and his buddies. Excellent. Hopefully by the morning my terrible sunburn will have lessened a touch. It's really not that bad, but I wasn't expecting to have one and so the itch/burn is driving me NUTS. Stupid me but I didn't even think to pack sunscreen, and who thinks about getting a sunburn when it's freezing outside? Right. Clearly not me... but the rocket scientist that I am, I was determined to wear a bathing suit just because I was in Florida and on vacation, even though I was shivering and freezing my ass off... and of course the rays were more direct yadda yadda yadda and I got burned. Ouch. Oh well... my own fault.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have a ton of drunken New Year's photos to post at the end of the weekend. Hopefully none of them will contain evidence of stray vomit. Heh. So... happy new year, everyone!

Ho Ho Ho

I just worked the last three days and despite being physically exhausted, my mind is racing. I'm leaving early (as in, *really* early) in the morning to fly down to Florida to join my parents for a couple of days. It was very spur of the moment and I'm quite proud of myself for having made such a spontaneous decision. Initially I was just going to stay home and twiddle my thumbs... and then Matt was supposed to come down to stay with me and I'd have twiddled something else... but then I realized that I'd be going upstate just a couple of days later to celebrate New Years with him and his friends, and that a last-minute trip to somewhere sunny and warm might be a nice way to get excited about driving up into winter-land upstate on the 31st.

So, really that's it. I've already done my online check-in from home, so now I just have to finish packing. Blackie from the car service is coming at (GASP!) ten minutes to 4am to pick me up for my 6am flight. I'll most likely be dog meat tomorrow, but I think it's a small price to pay for having the chance to spend some time with my folks on a mini-vacation from life (aka: my job).

Anyhow, so I'm signing off for now. Happy holidays, everyone!

An Evening In The UK (Almost)

So last night I was supposed to play with Adam, but he cranked out on me (cranky pot!). So then I had the genius idea to contact Christina who happens to be in town from across the pond... she's staying at her parents' house in P'ville, so I called there, heard about her bunch of friends who were over, and hopped into my car to have me a fun time.

When I got there, I was pleased to see Stina, her sister Jennifer, her boyfriend Tom (who she met at Juilliard and with whom she now lives in Glasgow), her friend Laurel (who is also a Juilliard friend) and her other friend Genna (who is also from Scotland). We sat around the kitchen table chatting and laughing for awhile, and then played the longest game of Taboo in history. It was kind of ridiculous because we played about seventy thousand rounds of the game, and people had such interesting accents that some of the words and descriptions were completely unintelligible. Well, at least to me. Jen speaks with a *very* thick thuggish Queens accent, Tom has a British accent, Genna clearly speaks with a Scottish tongue, Christina still sounds like she's from America, except she kept screaming out "right!" and "fucking L!" which are clearly not things the typical New Yorker exclaims during a run of the mill round of Taboo. Laurel and I had the most boring accents as hers is straight out of California and mine is a mix of lower and middle New York.

Anyway, it was a lot of fun. I almost peed in my pants a couple of times from laughing so hard, and I definitely had to take off my glasses to remove tears quite often. Awesome. Everyone started turning into pumpkins around 11 o'clock, and I left about midnight... and I can't wait to see them all again.

Today Susan is coming from Long Island for an overnight visit. We're going to stop by my work Christmas party for a tiny bit this evening, and I've rented a few movies with a romantic comedy theme for us to watch... I pretty much can't wait!

Ok, so I guess that's it. I've got to finish up my wash and put sheets on my bed. I baked some gingerbread cookies for the party and I've already wrapped my Secret Santa gift for one of the girls I work with, so that's all set. Oh man, this is going to be a good couple of days!

Waxing Age, Waning Creativity

How come everything I read inspires me but I can never organize myself enough to produce anything good, let alone anything that I even get close to finishing? How come whenever I hear some really good live music I always respark my interest in remembering how to play the trumpet or get a drum set and start fooling around on it in the hopes of being good again but I never actually get past the wishing phase? How come I don't paint or draw anymore? I'm a crap artist now, but I used to be not so bad, I think...

Why has my creativity waned so much in the last bunch of years?

I know that during college (yes, all six years of it), I blamed my lack of creativity on being so incredibly busy with school work. But come on, did I really do homework? I mean, I did well... and I did all my assignments, but have I ever been one to do the reading for class? Have I ever really studied for an exam except for the night before or the morning of? And I had jobs during college... three of them, actually, and I volunteered weekly, too. But I had extra time. So then why, if I wasn't doing anything during the extra moments, did I not nurture my artistic side?

Ugh! It's so frustrating to me now as I read other people's short stories and listen to other people's music and realize that accomplishments like that may never happen for me. I know, never say never, and if I want something bad enough then I'll work hard to get it... but I'm a realist, and I have a habit of evaluating my life on a fairly regular basis, and try as I might, I just can't visualize productive creativity as part of it.

Sigh. I'm such a loser.

Death Breath

Ever open your mouth to yawn or something and then realize instantly that you need to close it because if you don't, you will asphyxiate yourself and everyone else within a sixty two mile radius with terrible breath that smells literally like death?

Ugh. What planet do I come from?

Ten Days Is Too Many Days

Wow-- it's been ten days since the last time I posted? I was about to say that it felt like a year since my last entry, but then I remembered that my life is crazy and that ten days tends to pass me by in a flash. So... this is what happened:

Matt came down to my house Saturday early morning since we were planning to go to Boston to check out a lead on an apartment, but that went bust since the guy'd already given the place away... so instead we went into Manhattan in the evening to look at the tree at Rockefeller Center and the Christmas lights and decorations along Fifth and Sixth Avenues, and I have to tell you, despite the claustrophobia-inducing-mob-scene-crowds, it was reeeeaaalllly nice. Then Sunday we went to Bing where we stayed, watching movies and catching up on rest until Tuesday evening, when I drove back home.

Four days off, three days on.

My three workdays weren't the end of me... but they could have been. The first two were busy but not terrible. But yesterday there were a TON of weather-related sick calls, so staffing was really low. One of the night nurses was mandated to stay well into my shift, the unit was absolutely full, and there was no relief for when she had to leave... so we tried to discharge as many patients as possible, but the nursing supervisor still asked me at one point if two nurses could handle the entire floor. With 21 patients on it. Hells no. She asked me who was strongest of the three employees working there and I honestly said that me and another RN were new grads working four and three months in all consecutively, and that the LPN working with us had only been working for 8 months. So we were all in the same boat... I can't believe they wanted us to take 10 and 11 patients. Absolutely not. Did I mention I was the charge nurse again? Jeez... I hate being in charge.

Anyway, so the day was ridiculous and I didn't get to take a lunch break, and I didn't eat or drink anything except a cup of orange juice until 6pm or so, and I didn't even pee the whole day long until 7pm... which was when I found out that I had to be mandated to stay into the night shift. So I ended up working until 12:30, and it was 1am by the time I got home, and nearly two by the time I got to sleep and so I'd just finished working a total of 44 hours out of the last three days... and lemme tell you, it was rough!

But it's 9am now, and I'm all rested (sort of), and I'm going to Maddy's Bat Mitzvah with my parents today and right now I have to shower and get dressed, and I'm off tomorrow, and I'm working Monday, but I'm off for a few days again after that, thank God, and Susan's coming over to play, so I kind of can't wait.

Phew, my life is crazy.

When In Rome... Or The UK

You know the saying, right? So right now I'm at Yale, in a fancy shmancy Yale library... so why am I not doing as the Yalies do? Because I don't have finals to study for! Wahoo!! So instead of reading and stressing out like the rest of the nerds I'm sitting next to are doing (read Laura and her buddy Lila), I'm knitting and blogging. Way better than finals any day, if you ask me.

This morning I had to go to the post office to apply for a new passport because I'm a huge irresponsible slob and I lost the one I had that was still valid. I did manage to find my expired/cancelled one from back in the day, but for some reason my valid one has been MIA since the last time I needed it for a big trip out of the country (Mexico doesn't count-- I literally walked across the border with not much more than a nod from the border control guards in June) which was Costa Rica in 2003. Oh well. So now I'm a hundred bucks poorer and am currently not in possession of any valid forms of ID except for my drivers' license since I had to mail the US Department of State my expired passport as well as my birth certificate. It makes me a little nervous knowing that my original birth certificate is floating around the US Postal Service right now, but what can you do?

Oh! I don't think I updated anyone!! I'm going to London at the end of January!! My dad is going on a business trip, and he's extended it by several days and is taking my mom along to make it a pleasure trip, and they offered to take me with them, too. So I scheduled time off with my boss and am now basically just counting down the days. I've never been to the UK and it's been a decade since I've been to Europe (I know, boo hoo for me). I wanted to take Matt along, but it's right after his semester at Berklee will have begun, so I didn't think he'd want to leave just then. I asked him though, just to be sure, but he confirmed my suspicions and sadly refused the offer. That would have been one hell of a Christmas present from me to him, though! Even though I can't take him out of the country just yet, I'm still going to help him apply and pay for him to have a passport. Maybe this summer we'll get to take a trip somewhere. He's actually never gone anywhere, and I would absolutely love to take him everywhere. So, I guess we'll see...

Back In High School

Not that I'm physically there, but I sure feel that way right now. The other day, I was eating a hard roll and I somehow bent the wire that's cemented to the back of my top two front teeth. That tiny piece of metal is the only thing keeping my teeth from having a terrible gap as there's tons of space in my jaw and my teeth are relatively small (and I still even have a baby tooth left... what a weirdo).

Anyway, I had braces in my mouth for four years which happened to spill into my first year of college. I was mortified at having to go off to school with a mouth full of high-school-style wires and brackets, but it's what I had to do to straighten everything out in order to create the wonderful smile I have today. Er... rather, the wonderful smile I had up until three days ago.

So I got the braces taken off, and I wore a retainer for a little while, but I was too vain and insecure to wear it all the time, so I only wore it at night. Consequently, my teeth shifted every day and then went back in place every night, which hurt a lot and I'm sure wasn't good for my jaw... so after a couple of months, I asked my orthodontist about a possible solution.

Fast forward five years and I still had the same metal wires connecting my top two and bottom five front teeth. I know they're there, but unless I take pains to point them out, nobody else does... so it's kind of my own dirty little secret that I've still got High-School-Mouth. My own secret that is until today... because as a result of my hard-roll-slip Friday evening I had to go to the orthodontist again today. He confirmed my fears-- my precious top-tooth wire was bent. So he took it off, permanently releasing my now-gapped front teeth, sanded out the cement from behind them, and instructed me to "suck it up and wear my retainer for three weeks... and don't take it out!" until I can go back for another wire (hopefully) to be cemented in.

Argh. Life just has so many challenges! ;)

(Here I've graced you with a photo of my currently glorious smile. Please ignore my apparently ginormous nostrils! Also, take heart in knowing that my parents are now affectionately referring to me as "The Grille.")

One Year

I cannot believe that this year has gone by, but it really has. It's already December 4th and Matt and I have been together for a year. That's crazy! Doesn't feel like anything more than six months...

Anyway, happy anniversary to us. Nothing new and exciting to report except that we couldn't be together to celebrate it, which isn't exciting as far as I'm concerned. His birthday is coming up in four days, too, and I can't be there to sing to him in person for that, either. Oh well... I'll be off for four days soon, and hopefully at that point I can take another trip upstate for a visit... at which point we will celebrate a belated anniversary and birthday and during which I will shower him with gifts and sex and will have to pinch myself to keep from thinking that I can just call in sick to work to avoid going back because I'll just want to stay there with him forever and ever...

Sigh.

I can't wait for another visit! This long-distance business is getting really old...

Gratitude Post

Ok, enough of this. I feel dumb moping around and feeling sorry for myself. There are tons of things for me to be happy about, so I feel like I should take this opportunity to list a few of them... perhaps more for my own benefit than for any of you Noodle fans. But whatever, this is going to be good:

-Obviously I need to list the love and support I get from my friends and family.
-I have a job with an adequate paycheck when there are a jillion people out of work and starving to death.
-Every single one of my senses is intact, including the one where I can tell mere fractions of a second after I've opened my mouth that I've said something inappropriately for the moment and/or company.
-I am a pretty good cook, even without using recipes my food comes out delicious.
-Sometimes I have trouble being thrifty, but for now, that's not the end of the world.
-There is a pretty cool individual somewhere out in the world who's into me and who provides me with lots and lots of sweet lovin'.
-I don't pay rent.
-I own (almost all the way) my own vehicle and can afford (almost all the way) its upkeep.
-There are plans in the works for me to go on a vacation to England at the end of January. Lots of people never *ever* get to go anywhere.
-When I need to be, I can be pretty realistic about things. But oh, just give me the opportunity to dream and watch what I can creatively come up with!
-My smile lights up a room and people know it.

No-Good-Reason Blues

There really isn't any good reason for why I feel this way. Maybe it's because there's hardly any sunlight out now that it's starting to turn wintry. Perhaps it's because I only like my job a little bit. There's always the idea that having a stunted social life pulls a little, and having a relationship be long-distance really blows... Sigh. Woe is me.

Oh well. I'm going to start seeing a therapist soon. I don't really want to, but I've kind of decided that it's probably a good idea. I was really close to actually meeting with one two weeks ago, and then I had an appointment set with the same woman for tonight, actually, five or so minutes from now, but I had to cancel it for reasons I don't want to get into right now. I did call up the employee assistance office at work though, and some lady there is hopefully putting together a list of people on my insurance plan who will maybe be able to work with me. We've been playing phone tag a little and probably won't be able to get in touch until Monday, but I know I won't have too much time to think about it anyhow since I'm working Friday through Sunday.

So this is what I'm thinking about yesterday and today. Oh yeah, the blues and also the fact that I ate a hard roll last night and did something to the metal wire holding my two front top teeth together and now they've shifted dramatically and I made an appointment to see the orthodontist I haven't visited in five years so that maybe he can pull my pretty smile back together again.

Woe is me indeed. So in honor of all of the very tiny violins that must be playing for me right now, I'm posting this entry in the color blue for obvious albeit terribly cliche reasons. Whatever. If you don't like it, then you can suck it.