Weird Dreams

I've been having a bunch of really weird work dreams lately... like, it's not really new that I'm dreaming about work. But my most recent dreams have been really disturbing. The other day when I was visiting Matt, I had a terrible dream. In it, I went to work but after about an hour or so decided that I didn't want to be there taking care of people anymore, so I just left. I left the unit and then the building without telling anyone what I was doing or making arrangements for my patients to be taken care of. Then, after ten or eleven hours of shopping and hanging out, I called into the hospital to tell the oncoming nurse that I'd be a touch late and I'd give her report when I got in. The person who answered the phone told me she'd have to report me to our boss for having left and put the patients and the rest of the nurses in an unsafe position, and I said I knew she'd have to do that but I'd be telling our boss as well. I don't remember much more about it now, but I do remember that it upset me a lot. When I woke up I was kind of shaking, and I started crying. Matt had been sleeping, but my sobbing woke him up. He thought I was sad at first because I had to leave to go back home the next day. Heh. But then I told him all about what I'd been dreaming, and he listened and tried to comfort me and calm me down.

Then last night I dreamt that I was giving someone an insulin injection in her belly, only I forgot to take the needle out, and I looked off to the side to hear what somebody else was saying, and when I looked back at the patient, I realized I'd dragged the needle across her abdomen and had made a hairline gash through her flesh. I retracted the needle at that point, but just shrugged, covered the slash with a bandage and just walked away.

I've had other dreams, too... most of them involve me forgetting that I have a particular patient all day long and then realizing twelve hours later that I'd never given any care to that specific person. Or that I'd been giving care, but had been making such bad mistakes that I'd seriously injured the person or even caused him to have an early death. Quite disturbing, really.

Sigh. Must be more of my anxiety about work coming out... I hope it goes away soon.

20 Pounds Fatter And Loving It

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I was off from work today, so I got to spend the holiday celebrating with my family. We had supper at my parents' house, so there was a lot of work to do to get ready, but it was really worth it. The company was great and the food was delicious. A complete success, I'd say.

The only bad parts were when half the table started to cry because my mom sprung an impromptu candle lighting into the pre-meal "what we're all thankful for" part. She lit one candle for my late uncle and one for my late grandmother, since we've always spent this holiday sharing the table with the two of them, as well. Unfortunately, as soon as she struck the match, the waterworks began. There were eleven of us sitting down together, and at least six of us were crying. I almost couldn't control myself... it was pretty bad. But that part ended, everyone said what they were thankful for, I escaped to the bathroom where I sobbed some more, then came down and ate with everyone.

Mmmmm. For eating vegan, there was a ton of food for me. We had about a thousand plates of steamed and roasted vegetables, and I'd made my own mashed potatoes. And along with all of the dairy- and egg- filled desserts, there was even a vegan apple pie that we stuck in the oven and ate warm. Oh man, it was all so good... only now, I feel at least twenty pounds fatter. But whatever, I'm loving it.

Tomorrow as early as I can get my act together I'm heading up to see Matt. It's been a month since the last time we saw each other which is, to me, about twenty eight too many days. So we will hang out with his family and friends Friday through Sunday, and then I have to come home to go back to work.

Sigh. I love the holidays.

Hospital Not For Me?

I've kind of hinted at it before, but I haven't really addressed it on this blog... but I've been wondering lately if working in a hospital is the right venue for me. I mean, I'm getting a lot more used to it than I was before. It's still really difficult-- the work is terribly challenging, I constantly feel overwhelmed and that all the time management assistance in the world might not be able to help me, but for the most part, I notice a difference in my comfort level on the job between now and a couple of months ago when I'd just come off of my preceptorship.

But that doesn't change the fact that I still am not sure that working in this type of setting is right for me. I do actually like working in a hospital. I like giving direct patient care, providing healing and comfort at the bedside... I wonder then if it's my particular hospital or unit that's making me feel like I'd maybe rather be somewhere else.

I know that the patients at my hospital are the sickest of the sick. They get transported (by helicopter even) from all over the tristate area when they're too sick for their own local hospitals to care for them. And I know that the people on my floor are particularly ill because their organs of filtration and cleaning are working insufficiently, so the rest of their parts kind of follow suit and start to fail, leaving them weak, highly prone to drug toxicity, and oftentimes unable to care for themselves at all. And we really do have a lot of people code, and many times, die on my unit. They're just so sick that every two weeks or so, one person or another's body just sort of gives out...

But knowing all of that, I still feel like I'm missing something, like I'm just not getting it. Maybe I'm too sensitive-- that I let too much in. The deaths of the patients on my floor really do have an impact on my psyche. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I don't know how to harden myself to stuff like that and still be able to demonstrate and offer as much compassion as these sick folks need all the time. Sigh. Oh well, I guess some of that kind of comes with the territory. I just hope I don't continue to take it in as much as I have been, because sooner or later, something's gonna give.

Poodles Are Yummy

Especially when they have those dumb haircuts. You know the ones-- where the owners shave off bits and pieces of their fur to produce what looks like eating, panting and pooping lollipops. Ugh I saw one like that the other day. Its owner was walking it around Union Square, apparently thinking nothing of the appearance of his four-legged companion. But honestly, don't those dog owners notice it? They look so dumb like that. Dumb enough to eat, that is.

Just kidding, I wouldn't eat man's best friend.

But they really do look silly. And is it just me, or have you noticed that poodles tend to hump people's legs a lot more than other types of dogs? Weird. Anyway, I love dogs, but for me, the bigger and uglier they are, the better. None of that dainty froo-froo crap here. And I really can't wait to get a dog of my own! I don't know what type I want except that I'd like to it to be from the pound, and that I'd prefer for it to be an older dog. But other than that, I guess as long as it's not a poodle, I'll be set. Excellent!

Dented

So, apparently my car was hit in the lot of the place where I got the repairs done, but I didn't notice it until hours and hours after I'd driven away from there... I didn't even notice it when I filled up at the gas station, and the giant dent is right by the tank near the wheel well. Good job, Caption Obvious. Ugh.

I finally noticed it when I got out of the car upon arriving at Laura's place in New Haven Saturday afternoon, 80 miles from the repair shop. When I figured out that that was a new addition to the lovely body of my 2000 Civic, I inspected the chipped paint and smashed hubcap. Then I called the shop, but it was already closed till Monday. Then I called my parents, who said to call the repair shop. Bummer.

So first thing Monday, I took the car back down to the place and the guy said he had no way of knowing that the dent happened at their shop or after I'd removed the car from their lot... so, in other words, I had no recourse with them. Argh. And I just got a new insurance company... plus I'm not 25 yet, so if I report it to the insurance, my rates will definitely go up. Oh man, I'm such a dumbass. Even though it wasn't anything I did, I still feel like I got played.

Oh well, thank God it's only a car. I wonder what I'm going to do about it... Maybe I should take it for an estimate to see how much it's going to cost to fix it. If it's too much for me to handle, I can always take care of this car as I've taken care of my cars in the past-- with paint tarps and duct tape. Works like a charm... but that's another story for another time, I fear.

These Things Wig Me Out

I guess I've got some schtick. I mean, there are a lot of things I'm cool with, but I've also got a bunch of weird idiosyncrasies when it comes to things that give me the willies. Some of this stuff I've mentioned in my 100 Things About Me (and my Another Hundred Things About Me) posts, but in any case, I think I'd like to once again mention what makes me shudder.

1. Unfinished wood products, such as paper napkins or towels, mixing spoons, and popsicle sticks. These are the worst for me, so they rank as #1.
2. Eyes.
3. Touching the hair in the bathtub drain trap, even if it's just mine.
4. Touching ANYTHING in the kitchen sink drain trap.
5. The little carbon bits that get into the water chamber of a Brita Filter pitcher.
6. Any surface in a public bathroom.
7. Cats.
8. Fireworks don't give me the willies, but I really don't care for them.
9. The sound of tangled hair being ripped through a brush.
10. When people purposely crack their necks.

And I'm sure there are more, but this is enough for now. Shudder.

Jesus Loves Me

Of all my dreams on Saturday night, this is what I remember:

I was caravanning in a Hummer or a minivan with Ben and Shauna (Shauna was driving) and some other people, and I kept borrowing Shauna's white iMac (which actually belongs to Franzi in real life) to look at photographs of wildlife, and we were on our way to a wedding. I'm not sure who was getting married, but we were all going together... though for a large majority of the dream, we were actually driving through a house. And even though the vehicle was quite large, the doorways were wide enough to (just barely) accommodate our automobile. So I had this magical notepad and I thought it'd be funny to tear off the pages, one by one, crumple them up and throw them out the window at people... except when they hit the target (I guess other guests at the wedding), the pages would turn to water and the target would get a big splash (I remember waking up and needing desperately to pee). This was infinitely amusing to me, and I did it while we drove around one room inside the house in circles... until finally I threw a page at someone, but it just landed at his feet as a crumpled ball-- no splash. I looked up to see who it was, and it turned out to be Jesus, dressed in white and gold robes, with hands extended, looking all Jesus-y. Flash forward a couple of hours, after we'd all showered and gotten dressed for the wedding, and I remember standing at the bottom of a landing watching the newlyweds emerging from the house for the first time as a married couple. I remember also having anxiety that the watch I'd loaned the bride could not be found... maybe it was her "something borrowed" and it was pinned to the inside of her dress, but it was just nowhere in sight. Whatever. Then we were off to the party, where I was asking some guy who was maybe a waiter (who looked similar to Yves) on a date, and getting all paranoid because when I checked my planner to see when I was free for the date, I realized that I hadn't fully written in my class schedule and I'd not attended a single exam for any of my classes [insert anxiety about Matt here]. But whatever, I got over that, decided to leave the wedding, took one last glance at Jesus, and promptly woke up.

I know, I know, I'm a weirdo.

Owning A Car Is Expensive

Yesterday I had my car inspected, and after some confusion involving whether or not I'd passed inspection was cleared up, I was off to the repair shop to get some necessary work done. I dropped it off for a simple tire change and realignment, but they called after having removed the one tire to tell me that my brakes and rotors were shot... which I also had kind of suspected by the terrible DUHD-DUHD-DUHD-DUHD-DUHD noise I've been hearing every time I break for the last six months. So they got the OK to go ahead and make the repairs, and one day later, I've just retrieved my car... and am $450 poorer. Sheesh.

But, I mean, while some of the repairs I needed could have been avoided, I know I'm naturally hard on the breaks, so those'll wear down faster than normal, and I know I drive too fast, so I put a lot of pressure on the breaks which'll heat things up and if it's precipitating out, make it more likely for the rotors to warp from the hot-and-wet combination (not nearly as sexy as it sounds). But it's kind of stuff I can't really help all of the time.

Oh well... my bank account is leaning a little more towards empty right now, but with the news that I'm less likely to die from a crash due to break failure as winter is coming up, I'm not that upset about it. Owning a car is expensive, but to me, safety comes first so I guess I don't really mind it.

I've Hit 1000!

Ok, so while this may not seem like a big deal to any of you, it's a thriller to me! I have finally hit 1000 visitors to my website-- hooray! Granted about half of the hits to the site were probably from me, but still, I think it's cool that this blog gets this much action. Heh. Now if we could only work with that concept on me...

The Mighty Credit Card

Apparently all it takes to lift my mood, at least temporarily, is a small trip to a large mall. Using my credit cards for superfluous personal purchases is a bonus. Buying presents for other people works even better. And to think, all of these things occurred today, thus lifting me into the great mood I'm in now. Well that, plus I just spent a day and a half with Susan, mostly focusing on the fact that she's going on a blind it's-just-drinks-and-not-a-real-date meetandgreet tomorrow and trying desperately to avoid thinking about myself, which only sort of worked.

So now I feel ok... not perfect, because I still think that either I suck or that something must be going on for me to still have those ohmanwhyisn'tmylifejustfullofsunshineandsmilesrightnow? feelings, but ok. Whatever though-- I'm a big girl. I'll get over myself soon enough.

And I promised all you noodle fans that I'd let you know when something entertaining was going on in my life. Not that this is particularly good, but it's funny for everyone except me. So I bought this protein powder the other day... it's soy based, is fortified with TONS of vitamins and minerals, and seemed like a good idea while I was standing in the organic market thinking about my dietary intake of good stuff. Right. So I got the powder and as soon as I got home, jumped to try it. The directions on the side of the container say to mix two scoops of the stuff with 8oz of water or my favorite juice. Well, juice is good, so I grabbed some orange juice and plopped in one scoop of the powder, just to see what it tasted like. Ugh. It was so thick and grainy and terrible. I'd mixed it up really well, but somehow the "natural vanilla" flavor it boasted did not mix well with citrus (think grapefruit juice and toothpaste here). So I choked down the rest of the glass and attempted to mix it with water. WOAH! One sip of that crap and I almost vomited. I couldn't even stand it enough to take a second sip-- I had to dump it down the sink. So then I gave it a try with soymilk, the plain kind, and a banana and some vanilla extract and voila, a nutritional and not-so-terrible tasting shake was developed. So then tonight, coming back from Long Island and realizing that my protein intake with Susan had been slightly limited, I decided to make another one of the shakes, only all the bananas were used up, and I was running out of soymilk. So I dumped into the blender what soymilk I had left, a container of raspberry flavored soy yogurt (sounded like a good idea, right?), some vanilla extract, and then for good measure, I unfortunately added pineapple chunks. Mix. Pour. Sip. Blech. What was I thinking? Hadn't my first brush with vanilla-meets-citrus taught me anything? Apparently not...

Anyhow, so here I am, choking down the rest of this terrible beverage and letting all you readers know that even though I find things to be [insert sad violin music here] sort of a bummer lately, that I am at least a little bit able to find humor in life. Wahoo. Ok, that's it for now. I'm working tomorrow and the next day, so I suppose I should try to get some sleep. More humor to come later!

No Laughs... Sorry Folks

Yeah, yeah, I know. This blog is supposed to be lighthearted and funny... But sorry folks, right now I just don't have it in me. Nothing funny or lighthearted is currently happening in my life, but when it does, I'll be sure to post about it. Who knows-- maybe it's because I'm about to get my period and I'm in that weepycan'tstopfeelingsorryformyselfandisn'tmylifesuchabummer stage... or maybe it's because I suck. Either way, hopefully things'll change soon. I promise to let you know as soon as they do.

Time Management = Old Issue

So I think we might finally be done cleaning out my grandmother's house. The closing is happening sometime this month, and the only room that still has stuff in it is the living room, and even that is just large furniture that has to be moved out. I spent all day Friday cleaning out the place, recovering last-minute items that brought memories to my mom before the cleaning crew was to come on Saturday and empty everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) out of the place and into the giant dumpster we'd rented.

It was pretty hard to be there though... my mom kept breaking down and crying, and I was trying to keep it together for her, but there were a bunch of times when I'd leave to go to a different room so she wouldn't see me crying, too. I know that I don't need to be strong for her, but seeing her break down like that just makes me want to provide her with nothing but strength and open arms for a hug. Sigh.

Anyhow, when we were done with the inside of the house, we headed down to the garage to go through some boxes. Most of the stuff down there was junk, but we did come across some old photo albums, which was neat. My mother also discovered some of my old school records-- my favorite of which was a report card from 1988 (the second grade) with a teacher's note from two quarters noting that for term I that "Emily has difficulty completing her assignments in a timely manner" and that for term II, "Emily continues to have difficulty completing her work on time. She often gets distracted and needs several reminders." I thought that was great... and also somewhat entertaining. Just more proof that my time management issues aren't anything new.

Ok, well I'll be on Long Island for tomorrow and the next day, but Susan's going to have to leave for work shortly after I arrive. We have plans to hang out a little when I get there and maybe do some shopping and stuff before I leave. Oh yeah, and I've got big plans to catch up on email and blogging while she's at work for the 13 hours in the middle of it all!! I sure seem to have a thing about coming to visit friends and then having them leave me to go off to work (ahem ahem, Kate)! Oh well, I guess that kind of thing happens when you're friends with busy people. Heh.

So, I guess that's it for now. Have a good night everyone! I'll post more tomorrow...

Recovering Is Hard Work

Yeah, celebrating Halloween after the dinner party ended was great. So great that I got smashed and had a giant hangover the entire next day, which did not include any vomiting, but which unfortunately did include not being able to sleep or eat food or drink any water all day and then waiting in an airport for a million years and then going for an airplane ride that was so short that by the time I'd fallen asleep, it was time for the flight attendant to wake me up to tell me to sit up for the landing. Ugh.

But really, the celebrating part was a lot of fun, it was just the recovering part that sucked. So after the dinner party, Kate, Dave, Brian D., and I went to a bar where we met Sean, Kate's friend from Irish class, and Josh, Dave's friend. We all kind of just hung out and drank and watched the football game. Kate and I dressed up, Kate as a rugby player and I as Misunderstood (again, I wish I could have been something different from last year, but alas, it's a touch difficult to bring giant involved Halloween costumes on airplanes). Brian had to leave to study a little while after we got there, but the time that he was there was a blast. Then about midway through the game Sean and Josh put on their costumes and turned out to be a pirate and a viking. Cool. There were also a bunch of other people dressed up at the bar-- Big Bird, a couple of Hell's Angels, some referees, a sailor girl with a skirt so short the entire bar looked when she walked in, Winnie The Pooh, a lady in a fat-suit whose fat-suit boobs and thong were hanging out, a priest, some cowgirls, and a couple others that I can't remember right now.

So the bar was fun, and I got smashed, but the evening there was starting to wind down, so I ended up going to a party with Josh and Joe (Dave's roommate) and some other kids Joe is friends with. So off we were, picking up Joe from Dave's apartment along the way. When we got to the party, I realized how nice it was to be hanging out in a relaxed environment, but also that I was the oldest person in attendance by at least a couple of years. Heh. The kids at the party were also dressed up, but since I was playing Asshole all night long, I don't remember much of what they looked like, so I had to rely on the photos I took to remember! So there was me as Misunderstood, Josh the viking, Joe the pirate (complete with perfect pirate accent the entire night), and Mike the fireman. I know there were lots of other people there, but I wasn't really hanging out with any of them long enough to focus on what they were wearing. Also, I clearly had fun with costume-swapping, as at one point, I decided that I no longer wanted to be dainty, and I took Josh's helmet and axe in exchange for my sash and tiara. He looked so pretty. Then, later on in the night, I became fascinated with Mike's fireman shoes, so again there was a swap... though I don't think my strappy heels fit his size 13 feet that well. The boots fit me great, though!

Anyway, a couple of hours after we got to the party, we left it once again and I headed back to Kate's for the night. I barely remember writing her a note about not being able to attend classes with her the following morning, and posting it on her door, and then collapsing onto the futon mattress on her livingroom floor. And so began the next day with my poor attempt at recovering from my hangover. Ugh. The day seemed to kind of fly by, though I know I was awake from about 9am, and Brian D. picked me up to bring me to the airport around 4:15pm, so really that was a lot of hours, and not the one or two hours it'd felt like. So, I went to the airport, got on the plane, and went home.

And that was that. Yesterday I went back to work, today I was off, and I'm starting again tomorrow. Getting back to the grind again is a bummer, but it's kind of nice to be sleeping in my own bed. Plus, this change from fun and games to being a grownup again was inevitable... so, that's it! Halloween is over for another year. I can't wait to see what next year brings!!

Halloween Is Great

Oh man, Halloween is the greatest!! And even though I was a little bummed out at not getting to wear a different costume this year as I had last year, I still had a giant blast. And I'll tell you all about it, but first things first, I need to update on the dinner party I had.

So Kate ended up coming home from work pretty late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, like close to two am, I think. After Melissa and Brian L. dropped me back off at Kate's, and when I realized that Brian D. (yeah, that's a lot easier when trying to distinguish the two Brians) wasn't going to be able to hang out that night after returning from Rochester, I got into my pj's and went to sleep, but not until having eaten an entire pint of mouthgasm-producing soy ice cream. Mmmmm. I needed that like I needed a hole in the head, but it was nice to have a sweet ending to a sweet day. So then I went to sleep, and I woke up just as Kate was arriving home at the landing... she hadn't even knocked on the apartment door yet. So I got up and let her in as she'd given me her only set of keys earlier in the day, and we hung out a little bit more until about 3am, when we both went to sleep. The plan for the next day (Sunday) was to sleep in (I had strict instructions NOT to wake Kate up if I got up earlier than she did), get a few errands done at the store, go to Brian D.'s place to cook for a dinner party, then dress up and go out to a bar.

In the morning, I woke up around 9am, I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't, so I got up and futzed around the apartment for awhile. The night before I'd bought this gross vegan sausage thing that for some reason I couldn't help but purchase, so I started to fry that up in the pan, and the entire apartment filled with the aroma of frying crap. I mean, I kind of liked the smell, but it was pretty strong... I was actually secretly hoping that the odor of fake meat and oil would waft under the door and into Kate's room, enter her nostrils and wake her up. Then, she'd be so jarred by the unpleasant smell, that she'd be forced to vacate the room to see what was happening in the rest of the apartment, thus directing her right to me to hang out. But alas, that did not happen, and she ended up sleeping until 12:30pm.

We hung out for a little bit, then got ready, then picked Dave up and headed to brunch at some gross restaurant. I'd already eaten almost the entire tube-o-notsausage, so I wasn't hungry, but the two of them got the biggest array of grease-and-shit I'd ever seen come to two relatively skinny people at a restaurant. It was gross, but I minded my own business over my coffee and orange juice.

So after breakfast, we went to Wegs to pick up stuff for the dinner party... excellent. Then we headed back to Kate's to grab our costumes, and went right over to Brian D.'s to start cooking. Once there, everyone pitched in, and about an hour later, we had an awesome spread of rice, beans, tortilla shells, a giant salad, garlic bread, salsa, sour cream and cheese. The whole thing came out great, and the only non-vegan items were the tortilla fixins', so that was cool. Melissa and Brian L. came over, and the six of us chowed down over football and good conversation. It was so nice to have everyone together-- I'd wanted my high school crowd to mix with my college crowd for awhile, and this was a good first step.

After dinner, Melissa and Brian L. had to leave to accept company at their house, so Me and Brian D. and Kate cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and then got ready to go out to the bar for Halloween.

Actually... I think I need to split up these posts. So, stay tuned for our Halloween celebration!